The aim of this chapter is to prevent good people become difficult people, and prevent difficult people becomes impossible. This is usually due to fear. The gremlins inside is makes us awkward, muddle up or charisma.
At high level there are 4 category of people based on fear :
Downers : always complain, pessimistic, fear of rejection
show off : this type always brag, fear of being forgotten
Passives: this type do not contribute, fear of criticism, always shut down
Tank: explosive type, bossy, overreact, fear out of control
Thus fear processing can be:
Low road: quick reaction, primitive, make us safe, protected and secure
High road : slow reaction, logical, good decision, protect our social interest.
So quite often we are being highjack by our low road because that is the one that react faster and this is how we had been wired, in order to control this we need to give a bit of time for our high road to kick in.
In order for us to handle other person’s fear we can use the hack called “The NUT job”, N for naming, U for understanding, and T for transform or facilitate resolution.
From time to time we need to be vulnerable. When you share your secrets, and being vulnerable, this is the key to connect with people fast, this is called the vulnerability effect. Each of us is the centre of our universe. Vulnerability is attractive, mistake humanise us. Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage.
The author also explain about the Franklin effect. The Franklin effect is when you had done something for other people and you thank them, they are more likely to help you again, or do you a favour.
The author goes on explaining the importance to delegate a task, skill solicitation, use people skill to delegate task. It goes on explaining about the science of ownership, we value the things we built, this is explained through the “ikea effect”, this is because we see our creation as extension of ourselves.
If you are a leader in one area, you are a leader in other area.
We can motivate people by giving “buy in”, control and ownership. Figure out how to give them ownership.
We want to believe there are reasons to everything we do. This is the base of emotional “buy in”, use “because” and try to tie to as many emotional reasons as possible.
The secret is to tell stories. When we tell stories we give other people a chance to say “me too”. When we listen to other people stories our brain actually sync up with other person. Story bonds the teller and listener.
The author go in to explain how we need to have a story stack, which have a trigger topic and followed by boomerang to get the story out of the other person.
The author describe how the key to solve the people puzzle is to understand people. It goes with trying to decode their emotion. Sometime people might be saying something but he expresses a micro expression that tell us the opposite.
The micro expression is a brief intense emotional expression.
Some of the people flavors are:
– openness : How approachable and open to new idea, how curious a person is
– conscientiousness : approachable to get things done, self discipline
– extroversion : How your approach towards people, talkativeness
– agreeableness : How to approach cooperation and working with others
– neuroticism : How to approach worry
The author also goes on explaining how to speed reading other people’s matrix.
Each one of the personality traits above have high or low.
High open people enjoy change, novelty and adventure. They are open to new idea, curious and a dreamer
Low open people savour tradition, routine and habits
High contentiousness people love to do list, organisation and schedule, attention details and making things perfect
Low contentiousness people embrace big idea and strategy
High extroversion people draw energy being with people, having social time
Low extroversion people crave lone time, draining when they are with people
High agreeableness people are empathetic and caring for others
Low agreeableness people are more analytical, practical and skeptical, default to no
High neurotic people usually have mood swings and worried
Low neurotic people are more calm and stable, less mood fluctuation
Depends on the compatibleness of the personality matrix you will need to either optimise or compromise.
To put this into practice, you can draw your personality diagram and compare them with your spouse.
In this chapter the author describe some tips and tricks to decode people’s personality. The key is to listen by feeling and hearing. The author go in depth explaining how to decode the facial expression when someone is angry, content, etc. We can mimick these expression and learn to understand and decode the facial expressions. There are 7 facial expression that we need to master, they are :
Once we can identify the facial expressions, we can then attempt to decode the micro expression.
The author talk about how to make yourself be ridiculously likable. In conversation we need to thread commonality, this means that we are trying to find what do we have in common with the other people. When we find the commonality suddenly the conversation gets easier and we both connect at a deeper level as we can relate to each other much better. Use the following conversational phrases “me too”, “teach Me”, you can also adopt the 5 why, to get to know the topic better.
I was going to a meeting with my son, and it seems that every car these days are tiny and can transform becoming chair, so they are part of the furniture in the building. When the meeting is finished I had problems trying to locate my car, as there are more similar car around that was also parked. So I had to pull out the remote and the car responded as I can hear the roaring diesel engine at the back ground, it probably parked itself outside, so I had to get out to make sure that it can find us.
So James pull out the expanding seat from a small white car the size of a vacum. One old lady asked me in Chinese how much it cost, and I told her is it about $200k back in Chinese. Once James sit on the car seat the whole car will expand to full size so that I can step in and take control.
Fancy That!!, and I woke up.